Dan's Bloggity

Faster, Faster, c’mon c’mon. The car’s treads were slick from the rain, it was dark, the sky was debating whether or not to clear up or not. C’mon move dammit! Turn signal on, switch lanes, accelerate, cop?, no you’re fine, go go. Who knew 3 miles could take so long? Phone lights up, “You coming?”, They’re waiting for you. 9 people, stopping their lives for you. Hurry, hurry. You can’t disappoint them. Driving with one knee as a quick, “yep, be there soon”, is typed out and sent. 

Pull into the driveway, shhhhhhh, slowly open the door. They’re asleep. Pad swiftly up the stairs, grab a coke and water from the minifridge, sit. 

Power, the Dell icon lights up as the machine awakens. Uniform is stripped off, basketball shorts and a T will suffice, the lingering smell of ice cream and cleaner still exists on the body and clothing, fuck it. The machine roars to life as the 700 Watt power supply activates the machine. Half a second is all it needs to ask for your password to log in, another half second and you’re in. Mumble, Chrome, WoW Client. 3 swift clicks is all it takes. Kid Cudi, Macklemore or Ratatat plays in the background login information is hastily typed. “Sorry I’m late guys, thanks for waiting”. Mixtures of “waddup!”, “hey hey” and “about damn time”, jokingly of course, resound through the headset. Finally…….she speaks, “Well we can’t kill this bitch without you!”. Grin, They waited for you. 

Its another one of those nights, those nights I can’t sleep, I wonder about the decisions I’ve made and I wonder if people think I’ve disappeared. Oblivion, being forgotten absolutely by everyone around you forever. Is it weird to be scared of that? Or to wonder what happens on the other side, the “next life” our supposed salvation. God, im ranting. I guess thats to be expected though. 

Ive been having up and down moments quite a bit lately. Women seem to have that affect on me, that and getting hopes up for stupid shit etc. Work is going, overall I just want to have some excitement in my life. Something to get me out of here, enjoy  and relax. I’d love to go to the beach, spend a week in a hotel on the beach or something, but with who? Everyone is always working or has no money, or in school etc. And everything costs money, And going somewhere like the beach solo is kinda…..not a social norm? I guess? That and it’d just be weird. 

On another note, I haven’t mentioned my “work hard play hard” policy, which is going pretty damn well imo. Pulling straight A’s, got a raise at work, and getting lots of hours which is good and bad at the same time. But yeah, in terms of focusing on some of the “real world” stuff, I’m pushing through it.   

Though, in terms of social life? Well, I have a few best friends who I rarely see, but otherwise…..its shitty. Im hoping to get through this, but we’ll see. 

Its always interesting how people turn to music when they’re feeling shitty, long day of work and the first thing I hear on pandora is a song called Up up and away. The jist of the song is just going to a higher plane and getting away from the bullshit of being judged by others, which is something I kind of worry about a lot these days, esp at work. And even though I have my ups and downs with feeling depressed or shitty, it could be worse, it probably was worse for her before she found happiness. But hell, this is my journey I will find happiness permanently. But like Keira Knightly asking to be freed by Barbosa, the when’s and where’s aren’t specified. 

But fuck it, I gotta find my way. Step 1, breaking out of my rut; going to school, work, then video games. While I do find some measure of happiness from gaming, its not the same as being in direct contact with other people. Step 2, getting my shit together with school, I’ve been late to class a few times, slacked off with assignments etc. No more, I can be a straight A student if I apply myself. There was always that “if”, fuck the if, lets do it. Step 3, stop cursing? ha NOPE hrmmmm, step 3……ill have to think about it, post more often? Eh no one reads these anyway lol

Thats it for my rants for now, time for me to put my head down and get to working hard, it’ll pay off I just know it. 

fun fact, there are multiple versions of that song. its by Kid Cudi not Lil Wayne lol

A week to myself, awesome. Well, sorta. May have an empty house for a week, but unfortunately can’t exactly throw wild parties or anything. Bleh, sucky having all your friends off at school  or living far away and when you finally have the perfect time to throw a party, they arent around. Ah well, hrmmmmm whats new? Valentine’s Day was shitty, worked alone at one job, serving couples all day. Boy that made me bitter, boss came back from his meeting a few hours later. Saw the few hundred bucks in sales I pulled in alone, man he was ecstatic lol. That felt good, hell the Regional Manager was there and shook my hand, learned my name, congratulated me etc. Guess that was some small consolation, Ill find out this weekend when I get my tips from that day.

In the meantime, got the place to myself, free to run around in my underwear and eat cereal for dinner. Wild man here

Okay I figured it out! Again another problem I can identify but not fix. But its 4am and I need to sleep. Gotta spend Valentines Day working joyy. Anyway hope I remember the rant I wanna go on. Little hint, it involves an old N64 game which easily applies to real life. Anyway, sleep and a depressing day await me

Geez its been awhile, where to start? Well, biggest thing first I suppose. I asked a coworker out to dinner last week……Didnt go as I had hoped. That feeling of despair was almost overwhelming. I, just didnt really know how to cope with such a direct rejection. Shes been single for a month or two, her last boyfriend, of 2 years, dumped her back then and since she and I were so close I thought…..fuck it. Its over now, shes still in love with him, and regardless of what I do I can’t change that. Well Im still here, so I guess Im still getting by. I think I could call it an art, being a good actor, the people you interact with on a daily basis have no idea what you feel. 

Hell, I think thats just society today. Nobody seems to care how you’re doing really. Its such an automatic response to say “Im good” when someone asks how you’re doing. In reality, Im surviving and I guess thats good enough for society. I can’t wait to be done with community college, transfer to a 4yr institution and hopefully make some friends there, because nobody seems to communicate with each other in any of my classes. Well, its another day and Im surviving.

Its……a tough day, this shitty feeling kind of just blew over me as I woke up this morning. I don’t feel like going to work, going out to lunch with my sister who I haven’t seen since Christmas, I don’t feel like going to my best friend’s house…… But I have to try I suppose. How do I get by? When I have these shitty feelings that destroy any self-esteem I had left and make me wish to get away from it all. I worked with a very pretty female coworker of mine the other night. Just her and I manning the store, or womaning? in her case. We got to talking about religion, and holy shit if we didn’t just have the most intelligent coversation that two teenagers ever had. She loves to read, she’s smart, beautiful, and she also has half a million guys chasing her. Half a million guys who are all most likely, better-looking, and more attractive to her than me. FUCK THIS. Every time I get the hopes that there will be someone to bring me out of this shit I’ve fallen into it always ends in disappointment. And its not about having a girlfriend, its about having a friend in general who I can hangout with regularly, rely on, whatever……I just…..don’t know how long I can take this.

Well fuck! Its been awhile Tumblr, too lazy to go back and see what day it is but suffice it to say NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. The show goes on really, school, work, gaming, rinse and repeat. All of which is basically void of social interaction. Unless of course you count talking to strangers over Mumble, its like Skype but no video calls, and discussing a video game. Although, I must say that some of the people I have met over WoW are pretty awesome people, not saying im going to try to find them IRL but they’re interesting. Eh, either way, what to do what to do……

Seems like the only thing I’ve got at the moment is time, lots of time sitting on my skinny ass doing fuck all in productivity. I could get a gym membership, hell maybe that would make me more appealing to the ladies, though would that make me a better person etc? would that person like me for me? I guess what Im saying is that I’m too unmotivated to force myself to workout on a consistent basis. If I had a workout partner? Maybe, but no use thinking about what I don’t have…….

Its so easy don’t you think? To identify that there is a problem and speak up about it, but solving the problem? HA good luck with that one. We as humans are so keen on finding problems and pointing them out for the world to see, like when humans look at the imperfections of their peers, its bullshit quite honestly. Who the fuck cares if they have acne, their hair isn’t perfect, they aren’t built like that Australian dude from Les Mis? Our imperfections make us unique and they make us human. Anyway, rambling aside, fuck people who are dicks. We all make mistakes, I know that as well as anyone I suppose…….and we’ve just got to live with them I guess and hope for forgiveness…

No matter how great or small a new invention or idea is, it always starts with inspiration. That person has a strong desire to develop or create, and this desire manifests itself in this great creation. But how do we get inspired? Im able to write, what I think, are very good posts when Im inspired to write them. When Im not though? Hell I just ramble on and on. I want to find a way to be inspired, to do more, to break out of the ruts we get our daily lives into and just make a change. Because whats going on right now in my life is dull, and Im getting pretty sick of it. 

Day 11, and I want to find an inspiration.

As teenagers we may often wonder why our parents can be so boring or un-fun. We may also swear that we will never become like them, no matter what. But, in the end, won’t we finally “grow up” and become boring? I guess its a matter of perspective, a lot of times that answer can be found in the adult’s relationship status. A significant other can be huge in determining how a person acts, for better or worse. Now there are a million cliches about how people can be old or young based on if they laugh or learn or crap like that. But those are cliches, how do we truly stay young while being mature? 

With so many responsibilities in my life right now I can definitely say that being responsible can be DULL. Not really sure where I’m going with the rest of this post, but uh, LOOK WHATS THAT!??! *exits stage left*

This is Day 9 and I’m great at staying on topic.